The shame, guilt, and WHY thoughts after TFMR  - if you're struggling with persistent and TOUGH thoughts after TFMR, you're not alone. 

After TFMR pregnancy loss you may experience these BIG tough thoughts "on loop." Guilt after your loss and shame and loneliness after your loss are incredibly common.

These are four thoughts (though you may ALSO have 44,000+ other awful thoughts, but these are some of the BIG ones) that are more common than you think after TFMR baby loss:

"Am I a monster for choosing this?"
You wonder if choosing this makes you a monster. This thought has SO many variations and might sound like "How could I do this to my child?" "What kind of mom chooses this?" "Aren't parents supposed to PROTECT their babies?"

Here's what I want you to know: You ARE protecting your baby. You are protecting you. You are protecting your family. Love looks different when the body can't stay, but it's still love. The choice you made came from the deepest place of caring - even when it breaks your heart into a million pieces.


"I feel so guilty even though I know it was right."
If you're feeling guilty even though you know it was the right choice, man, I've been there too. I remember feeling like the thoughts were battling it out in my head: "How could you?!" vs. "But I know this was right" followed by a meek "....right??" On and on, on loop.

That guilt, I've come to understand, doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. It means you loved your baby so much that even the right choice feels impossible.


"I can't shake this shame."
You can't shake the shame, no matter what you try. It follows you to the grocery store, into conversations with friends, into bed at night.

The shame isn't yours to carry, even though it feels glued to your bones. TFMR isn't something to be ashamed of, it's one of the hardest, most loving decisions a parent can make. But the world and differing viewpoints can really make their way inside of us, and it feels so heavy and hard to carry.


"Everyone keeps calling it an abortion and it makes me feel sick."
When people call it an abortion, something in your stomach twists. We have this idea that abortion means "unwanted." And that is so hard. You may even feel like you're super pro-choice, always, but still, when someone or your medical record uses the term "abortion" for THIS baby loss experience, it just does not feel right.

You may actually feel nauseated, tight and hot, your heart may race - all physical reactions to even hearing the word. Your body knows the difference, even when the medical terminology doesn't.


These thoughts deserve to be seen and cared for
Sometimes these tough thoughts just need to be aired, need their time in the sun, need to be SEEN by someone who can TRULY hold them with you and not try to "positive thought" them away.

You don't need someone to fix these thoughts. You need someone who can sit with you in them without flinching. Someone who understands that TFMR grief is complex and doesn't fit in neat little boxes.

If you're looking for that kind of witness and warmth, I have 1:1 support call spots open. Let's talk about what you're carrying - human to human, parent to parent: [Book your support call here]

You don't have to hold these thoughts alone. 💜

Many TFMR parents also have a deep desire to be WITH other TFMR moms and dads and hear their stories, and finally feel understood. We also have monthly group circles in the TFMR Support Sanctuary if a community space is what you are looking for. You are invited, and your WHOLE fertility story and journey and parenthood and identity is welcome.

Have you ever felt like a pregnancy loss space just wasn't quite right for you after TFMR? I want to let you know that you are NOT going crazy, and while that space may work for others, it's just not the best for you. It may feel elusive, hard to put your finger on why a baby loss or grief space just isn't the right fit. Your friends and family and even well meaning medical or mental health professionals might encourage you to "give it a shot" or question why you can't just make it fit, but if you know, you know.

Here are some reasons why you aren't finding TFMR support in regular pregnancy loss spaces:


1. TFMR support just doesn't exist there
Stating the obvious, but it's true! In some grief spaces, there just is NOT the right support for having to end a desired pregnancy. It just doesn't exist. Lots of broad loss spaces still don't list out "TFMR" as one of the types of losses they support. They rarely or never talk about TFMR. They don't highlight TFMR stories. You end up being the one educating THEM about even the basics, like that this acronym and type of baby loss exist.


2. Strict and appropriate adminning to keep you safe doesn't always happen in broad loss spaces
I've unfortunately heard horror stories about people being talked down to and judged in live baby loss support group meetings for their loving decision. Usually the judgment is coming from an uninformed fellow participant, but in these sad stories that other TFMR moms have told me, the facilitators don't even know what to do, don't step in and tell other person to stop, don't educate or help repair the harm. It seems that especially if the facilitators are unaware of TFMR, they might not "get" why certain words or phrases are harmful to us and just "let it slide."

What triggers your grief or trauma after TFMR (termination for medical reasons) pregnancy loss?

My most "random" trigger after TFMR is this one drinking glass in my home... I used it almost daily when TTC Clara, and while pregnant with her...
But you see, it's not "silly" or "weird"... it actually makes a lot of sense. Because after my TFMR, all of a sudden while drinking out of that glass my brain was screaming at me: "Ha! You thought drinking water would keep your baby and pregnancy healthy...nope, you FAILED." 😞

If you are feeling this way with mundane things and feelings and smells after your baby has died, it's normal. You're not crazy.

Some of the biggest triggers can be things like:

*Happy family pictures (why don't I get that?)
*Sex (this is the way we made that baby, it reminds me of the loss)
*Alcohol (oh, I can drink again, I'd rather NOT be able to and still be pregnant)
*Holidays (I never even cared about Easter before and now I just wish I could put bunny ears on my baby)
*Baby clothes (I wish I could buy that for my baby)
*Your house (I remember bleeding in this bathroom, this is where I wanted to put the crib, this is where we sat on the couch and watched the two lines appear)
*Coffee (I was so good about cutting it out during the pregnancy - now I can have it again? I wish I wasn't)
*Doctor's visits (I'm just here about my foot and they are asking about all my prior pregnancies)
*Pregnant bellies (Would I have looked like that by now?)
*Your clothes (I'm still wearing maternity clothes with no "maternity", what shit)
*Food (I wish I was still restricting the sushi and cold cuts)
*Ultrasounds (I stare and stare at other people's ultrasounds, looking for that one splotch in the heart)

And more... everything can be a trigger.

You can comment here and answer, "What seemingly random thing triggers you after TFMR?"

💫
One of the ways I worked with my triggers, slowly and gently over time, was through moving meditation. I've put a few of my favorite practices all together. Some of the practices in the tracks helped me understand my triggers, and some of the practices where to find a touch of calm when I felt too much. You can find this whole audio program here, I call it the Peace of Mind after TFMR: an audio mindfulness program  💫

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No offense, but those that haven’t gone through a TFMR just won’t ever fully get it.

This is one of the reasons why TFMR only spaces exist. Because we need a place for our grief after termination for medical reasons. Even within the baby loss community, there are ideas and beliefs that are hinted at, or judgement that is directly thrown at us. My advice—and I rarely give direct advice—is to get the heck out of there as fast as you can, if you find yourself in an unkind baby loss space.

Here’s a little story for you. Very freshly bereaved after my sweet daughter's death, I bought and started reading a very popular sort of “baby loss & grief guide” book. I bought this book because of the recommendations I had seen in TFMR groups and forums and because of the good reviews online.

I hungrily opened the book, read the intro (which spoke about picking and choosing the pieces of the book that would work best for you, and how some parts could be triggering, but just to skip them AKA there was a trigger warning for ALL the content in the book) and then jumped right to the chapter about “difficult choices.” It was the TFMR section of the book.

The chapter on TFMR started with ANOTHER trigger warning, and blah blah blah about if your beliefs didn’t “align” then you should just skip that chapter. Yup, TFMR apparently needed a second, "extra" trigger warning. INSIDE of a baby loss book.

I.wanted.to.hurl.the.book.at.the.wall (but it was an ebook, and decided against destroying my device). Because WHY? Why was there a trigger warning for someone who obviously never had to terminate a wanted pregnancy. Why? Why right THERE before the very chapter that my heart and soul was looooonging to read, why did the authors have to put a second trigger warning with religious overtones in it?

That trigger warning was not for me.

Even that chapter, which I thought was for me, now felt like it was not for me 😞

I bet neither of the authors had ever had to make the heartbreaking decision to terminate a very wanted and precious pregnancy.

Because of this, and for many many many other reasons, do TFMR families make their own spaces. I invite you to join mine, a bereavement doula (me) run Facebook group… you are welcome there. We understand the undertones and outright judgement, and are a safe place for your grief.

For bereaved TFMR parents only.

And if you want to go deeper than faceless (yet suuuuper helpful) social media posts, we also have quarterly grief circles, with a group of 5 or 6 of the same people, all together. Our group start every 4 months. Apply to join us in the Ascend TFMR Grief Circle here.

Your grief after termination for medical reasons, your heartbreaking medical decision that feels like no decision at all, MATTERS.

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