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The shame, guilt, and WHY thoughts after TFMR - if you're struggling with persistent and TOUGH thoughts after TFMR, you're not alone. After TFMR pregnancy loss you may experience these BIG tough thoughts "on loop." Guilt after your loss and shame and loneliness after your loss are incredibly common. These are four thoughts (though you may ALSO have 44,000+ other awful thoughts, but these are some of the BIG ones) that are more common than you think after TFMR baby loss: "Am I a monster for choosing this?"
You wonder if choosing this makes you a monster. This thought has SO many variations and might sound like "How could I do this to my child?" "What kind of mom chooses this?" "Aren't parents supposed to PROTECT their babies?" Here's what I want you to know: You ARE protecting your baby. You are protecting you. You are protecting your family. Love looks different when the body can't stay, but it's still love. The choice you made came from the deepest place of caring - even when it breaks your heart into a million pieces. "I feel so guilty even though I know it was right." If you're feeling guilty even though you know it was the right choice, man, I've been there too. I remember feeling like the thoughts were battling it out in my head: "How could you?!" vs. "But I know this was right" followed by a meek "....right??" On and on, on loop. That guilt, I've come to understand, doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. It means you loved your baby so much that even the right choice feels impossible. "I can't shake this shame." You can't shake the shame, no matter what you try. It follows you to the grocery store, into conversations with friends, into bed at night. The shame isn't yours to carry, even though it feels glued to your bones. TFMR isn't something to be ashamed of, it's one of the hardest, most loving decisions a parent can make. But the world and differing viewpoints can really make their way inside of us, and it feels so heavy and hard to carry. "Everyone keeps calling it an abortion and it makes me feel sick." When people call it an abortion, something in your stomach twists. We have this idea that abortion means "unwanted." And that is so hard. You may even feel like you're super pro-choice, always, but still, when someone or your medical record uses the term "abortion" for THIS baby loss experience, it just does not feel right. You may actually feel nauseated, tight and hot, your heart may race - all physical reactions to even hearing the word. Your body knows the difference, even when the medical terminology doesn't. These thoughts deserve to be seen and cared for Sometimes these tough thoughts just need to be aired, need their time in the sun, need to be SEEN by someone who can TRULY hold them with you and not try to "positive thought" them away. You don't need someone to fix these thoughts. You need someone who can sit with you in them without flinching. Someone who understands that TFMR grief is complex and doesn't fit in neat little boxes. If you're looking for that kind of witness and warmth, I have 1:1 support call spots open. Let's talk about what you're carrying - human to human, parent to parent: [Book your support call here] You don't have to hold these thoughts alone. 💜 Many TFMR parents also have a deep desire to be WITH other TFMR moms and dads and hear their stories, and finally feel understood. We also have monthly group circles in the TFMR Support Sanctuary if a community space is what you are looking for. You are invited, and your WHOLE fertility story and journey and parenthood and identity is welcome.
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