Why you can't find TFMR support in regular loss spaces

Have you ever felt like a pregnancy loss space just wasn't quite right for you after TFMR? I want to let you know that you are NOT going crazy, and while that space may work for others, it's just not the best for you. It may feel elusive, hard to put your finger on why a baby loss or grief space just isn't the right fit. Your friends and family and even well meaning medical or mental health professionals might encourage you to "give it a shot" or question why you can't just make it fit, but if you know, you know.

Here are some reasons why you aren't finding TFMR support in regular pregnancy loss spaces:


1. TFMR support just doesn't exist there
Stating the obvious, but it's true! In some grief spaces, there just is NOT the right support for having to end a desired pregnancy. It just doesn't exist. Lots of broad loss spaces still don't list out "TFMR" as one of the types of losses they support. They rarely or never talk about TFMR. They don't highlight TFMR stories. You end up being the one educating THEM about even the basics, like that this acronym and type of baby loss exist.


2. Strict and appropriate adminning to keep you safe doesn't always happen in broad loss spaces
I've unfortunately heard horror stories about people being talked down to and judged in live baby loss support group meetings for their loving decision. Usually the judgment is coming from an uninformed fellow participant, but in these sad stories that other TFMR moms have told me, the facilitators don't even know what to do, don't step in and tell other person to stop, don't educate or help repair the harm. It seems that especially if the facilitators are unaware of TFMR, they might not "get" why certain words or phrases are harmful to us and just "let it slide."

3. The silence around TFMR pregnancy loss in those spaces
Even when TFMR is "allowed," it's whispered about, not openly discussed. Your grief becomes the grief others tiptoe around. And that makes it feel all the more awful, when you were putting yourself out there, searching for help and support. There may be comments like "oh we don't have many people with that type of loss" - and you can ask yourself honestly, why that might be? 


4. The decision part is a complexity they just can't hold
Regular loss groups don't know how to support the "did I make the right choice?" spiral that's unique to TFMR. It is a huuuuuuge part of our grief and trauma processing, the subject we may need to bring up over and over. It brings up whole new layers of "what ifs" that regular baby loss folks don't even need to reckon with. It's another reason why TFMR support feels impossible to find.


5. Different medical trauma layered on top of baby loss
TFMR involves medical procedures, interventions, testing, hospital experiences, genetic counseling - experiences that other pregnancy loss parents didn't navigate. Just like how ectopic pregnancy loss parents may want to find a specific space for them to talk about the ins and outs of what they went through, TFMR is similar. And with the politicization of EVERYTHING pregnancy related, some people may have very strong opinions on what medical interventions or even testing should even be offered at ALL, talking about the medical piece of TFMR in broad loss space may feel hostile. You are NOT making it up.


6. The stigma around TFMR being a "choice" is real 
Even in supportive spaces, there's an underlying assumption that "natural" loss is somehow more acceptable to grieve. You felt this when you saw the meal trains and public posts for a community member going through a NICU stay and infant loss... and then for you, nothing. Awkward silence. People assuming since it was "choice" there is less pain, less grief, when ACTUALLY is was the choice that may be causing you even more grief.


All of these reasons and more is why you feel so lonely, why those spaces feel just not quite right. It may feel elusive, hard to put your finger on exactly why a space is not quite right, like it's just a touch "off" but you can trust that "not right for me" feeling.

This is why those spaces didn't work for you. You're not too picky, too sensitive, or asking for too much. You need TFMR-specific support because TFMR pregnancy loss IS a different, specific type of loss.


You deserve a space where TFMR is understood, not whispered about. Come join us in the TFMR Support Circle, our SCREENED and free Facebook group, where you can say your baby's name without explanation. Where you can talk about the impossible decision and grief in the same breath. 

And if you want private, 1on1 support from someone who's been through it too, I am a pregnancy loss doula and have grief care sessions for you. You don't have to go through this alone, sometimes you just need a safe space with a kind compassionate ear.