 It's not always comfortable or convenient, the moments when my daughter's grief pops up. But isn't that the damn truth about grief. It is NOT comfortable. It is NOT convenient.
For example, this is a picture of an origami boat my oldest daughter made in memory of the baby who died in pregnancy, in memory of her sister Clara. Sometimes my daughter's grief comes out as spontaneous tears. So I sit with her. And sometimes she wants me to help her make Clara artwork, even though inside I'm falling apart and it's breaking my heart. But I am also proud of her. So very proud. Together we sit. Side by side. Not taking each others' grief away. I don't hide my grief from my daughter. I allow her to see me cry, see me mourn. In turn, she expresses her own grief, she doesn't bottle it up. I'm able to show up for my daughter like this because I put in the grief work that I need to do for ME. My own journaling, artwork, being in my grief communities, doing my own therapy and getting my own energy work done. It's so important that we have safe places to process our grief as adults. So we can show up for ourselves, for the kids in our lives, our partners, our communities. If you're looking for a deep yet gentle space to process your grief after TFMR pregnancy loss, our grief circles are open for enrollment for just a few more days. Check out the details here and apply to join us. So you can keep showing up in your life. You deserve a special place where you can write your baby's name too. 💜🦋💜
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 Until Black lives matter fully in society, no lives matter. Until Black lives are honored fully in society, no lives can truly matter. Until Black lives are celebrated fully in society, no lives are.
Although right now my account is basically just my personal musings on my pregnancy loss and my spiritually, I have bigger plans behind the scenes. I am training to be a pregnancy loss doula, and I'm glad my training is just beginning. I'm glad because I can state now, even before any services of mine are available, that including tenets of Black Lives Matter in my training and in my future services is important, is everything. Because Black Lives Matter is everything. And my pregnancy loss doula services are and will be integrally connected with these values. That your baby matters, your grief matters. Your baby should be honored, your love and grief for them deserves to be honored. Your baby is to be celebrated. Your motherhood, your fatherhood, your parenthood is to be celebrated, with or without a child in your arms. All people, all BIPOC deserve this honoring and celebrating of their babies.  Along with about 6,000 other emotions, you may feel some of these 6 big ones after TFMR pregnancy loss.
Anger, yup I had that. Guilt, I had that one too. Relief, not as much, but it's common after TFMR. Devastation, OH YEAH. Confusion for sure. I had to sticky note everything for many many months. And Yearning...almost 3 years out from terminating my wanted pregnancy, I still have this emotion all the time. 💔 💜What is one of your biggest overarching emotions right now?💜 ⬇️ You can comment just using an emoji if you want, because I KNOW that grieving is exhausting. I should have added that too, Exhausted.  I hope you can let these words sink deep into your bones and soul:
💫Take it moment by moment💫 After my baby died through a termination, the depths of my grief were bottomless. And on top of that, I was never "educated" on grief before my TFMR. I had to learn to live moment by moment, second by second. Until a bit more space came between the huge grief waves...then it was minute by minute. But if you are very early out, move through your experience moment by moment. 💫You are a good parent💫 Oh my heart, when another TFMR parent told me this, I felt like I could breathe again. Finding other people who had been through this horrific experience saved me. They reminded me of my goodness. As a Bereavement Doula now, I run my own safe, closed Facebook group just for us bereaved TFMR parents. Come join us if you are looking for a community like this. Where people will remind you, YOU are a good parent too. 💫You made a kind and compassionate decision💫 No matter the type of termination, no matter your baby's or your diagnosis, YOU knew best. As much as the media would like to talk up "carrying to term" as the "more" compassionate choice, I don't believe this. In between a rock and a hard place, all the options are kind and compassionate. None better than others. You made your decision with everyone's best interest and health in mind. And with LOVE. That is kind. 💫Your health and wellbeing matters💫 It does! Many TFMRs are due to devastating fetal anomalies, but many are for maternal health reasons as well. Or a combo. That was actually the tipping point for my case - we avoided maternal health complications by terminating our pregnancy. Because I matter, to my other kids, to my husband. To ME. Me as me, my health and wellbeing matters. So.Does.Yours! If your TFMR was for maternal health reasons, you are welcome in my TFMR Support Circle (the Facebook group) as well. ❤May you hold these statements close. If you can't fully accept them all, let it take it's time❤ & if you would like Bereavement Doula support through your process after TFMR, I have free intro sessions open, so take advantage now. You can find out if 1 on 1 work or any upcoming grief circles would be best for you. Get your free session here. 🤲💜  Some days I believe and some days I don't. Is she really communicating with me from the Other Side? On the days I really do feel her messages, her presence, it comes in the form of feathers, white feathers. On other days there is also anger. All I get is a damn feather? A flicker of a candle? A butterfly flitting by. This is baby loss. This is me missing what would have been, could have been, my middle child. Does your baby send you signs? Do you believe? ... P.S. And speaking of messages...my one-on-one Bereavement Care Package includes distance Reiki, an energy healing session where I sometimes receive messages in the form of images or words. Get on an intro call with me if you'd like 1 on 1 support and spirit baby session. I'd love to find out what message your guides/the Universe and your baby/babies have for you 💜 |