 What the world sees is just the tip of the iceberg. The world sees us going to get-togethers, smiling, back at work, maybe even pregnant again after loss, laughing at jokes, carrying on and talking about our hobbies. Well...I'm sure you know intimately what lays beneath the surface: 😭 Crying, so much crying 🕳 Feeling adrift, a loss of purpose 💔 Utterly heartbroken 🙅♀️ Body shame, even loathing your body 🤫 Feeling unsafe to share your complete story 🤬 Rage ♾ And.so.much.more After losing your baby to a medical termination, whether for your health or the baby's health, or a combination, there are so many layers to work through. Under the surface, that iceberg of feelings and emotions just goes on and on. 💜What's under the surface for you today?💜 P.S. I am taking applications for the next round of Ascend, a grief circle specifically for bereaved TFMR people. A place where you can explore the depths of those "hidden from polite society" emotions and layers. Applications due by March 22nd.
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 Having all the little clothes does not prepare your soul to be a mother, father, parent...and it definitely doesn't prepare you for your baby to die. It's a rite of passage that can remain unmarked, hushed up by society (perhaps even more silenced if it is a termination for medical reasons TFMR). A hello wrapped up in a good-bye, a passage into invisible motherhood. Even if your family/culture/religion does practice some mourning rituals, it is healing to continue to create and honor those parent-child bonds. And to honor your own grief. It's okay to create your own rituals. It can be even more healing to practice in community. That's why I created Ascend: A TFMR Grief Circle. My program Ascend goes deep into ritual, storytelling, all in a safe community space where you can be held and seen through this stage of life. We meet live (Zoom) about twice a month for 3 months of support. The next circle starts at the end of this month. Applications are due by March 22nd, 2021. You can learn more and apply here. 💫What rituals do you practice to honor your baby and your grief? Candle lighting, altar keeping, saying your baby's name, sharing their story? Let us know in the comments💫 
After my TFMR I was "guilty" of thinking all these things:
💗Then I found TFMR groups and other loss parents. They saw me as a grieving mother. "Even though" it was a "decision"...they validated my grief. 💗I read different grief books and found a support program that worked for me and my needs. I learned it was ok for my grief to take as long as it needed, and what I really needed to learn was how to carry and comfort and honor my grief well. 💗I saw other couples struggling, and I struggled too in my relationship. Then some kind therapists reminded me that my process was MY process. And my husband's was HIS. And that we were allowed to do it *differently.* 💗I focused on my own healing and grief work, knowing that any future siblings of my deceased baby would not come to heal me. ➡️ But MAN, it's a lot of detangling and lots of layers. It helped dramatically to be in TFMR support groups. I run one now on Facebook if you'd like to apply to join. Click on this link and apply to join us there. And having a loss doula was so helpful too. Someone to be a sounding board, to see me through TTC again, and even my rainbow pregnancy. I have 2 spots open for private bereavement doula clients if this sounds like the kind of gentle emotional and spiritual companion you'd like alongside you in your process. You learn more or you can get on a call with me here if you are looking for this kind of support. 🌼What about YOU? Which of these misconceptions have you worked through or are you working through?🌼 
Which of these practices is your favorite? Our spirits can feel so crushed and trampled on after terminating a wanted pregnancy; I find it so helpful for me and for my loss doula clients to focus on gentle practices. After what is horrific, heartbreaking, and sometimes the furthest from gentle, you deserve soothing soul healing. Which do you prefer?
And just a reminder that I only have a couple spots open for 1-on-1 bereavement doula support.💫 In the free introductory session we can figure out what practices you need in your life and how to fit them in. You can send me a message if you want this kind of continual support after a termination for medical reasons, fetal and/or maternal. Sending you all so much love ❤ Check this page to learn more about starting your one-on-one Bereavement Care Package. And let us know in the comments, which of these gentle, soul-soothing practices are your favorites?  What's your "grief score" after TFMR baby loss? Any score is right...there are no wrong answers. It's so important to talk about these shared experiences, because then we don't feel so alone in our grief. And it's especially helpful to find other TFMR loss parents to talk about this particular grief. You can join us on Facebook in the safe, application-only group, the TFMR Support Circle. A place where you can share your "grief score," judgement free. 💜 I also filter all comments on this blog through my own eyes, so you can comment below and let us know what your grief score is. |