In this video from my series on YouTube called "Our TFMR Stories," Dana speaks about her termination that happened after learning about her first son's severe neural tube defects, diagnosed as spina bifida. She also talks about dealing with fertility issues while trying to conceive again after loss and going on to have a subsequent pregnancy after her TFMR loss.
Here is the video:
Links mentioned in the video:
*Ending a Wanted Pregnancy Support group, if you would like to join, you can apply here: https://endingawantedpregnancy.com/private-support-group/apply-to-join-private-support-group/
*To share YOUR TFMR Story on Our TFMR Stories, email me here: sabrina at thetfmrdoula dot com
*And grab your free journaling prompts for healing after pregnancy loss here: http://www.thetfmrdoula.com/journaling-prompts
And then our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor got very very silent during a scan. The scan that changed our life.
Oof, that moment will stay with me forever.
That silence. If you know, you know.
We are connected in this silence. This heartwrenching silence. That space before the poor prenatal diagnosis, the "I'm sorry, there's something wrong with your baby."
And then your world is changed forever.
I was talking to my husband about how ubiquitous that silence is, how many of us know that "look on their face" before the bad news… how it's so similar across our loss stories and he said, "Really?"
And I said, "Really."
And my husband replied, "It's a moment that I'll never forget...when I saw the doctor's face and knew, uh oh, something is really wrong."
My daughter would almost be two now. If that wouldn't have happened. If she would have been healthy. If.
Thinking of all of you, and all your babies. Your very special would-have-beens 💗💗💗
P.S. This is a quote from my memoir on my TFMR and my spiritual journey after loss. If you have any connections in the publication world, I'm looking to get it published. Any help appreciated.
And if you have published part or all of your story, share the link here below. Reading other TFMR stories is so helpful in grief. We learn we are not alone.
Bleeding after pregnancy loss can be triggering, devastating, heartbreaking all over again.
Especially the first period…my first period after my TFMR (a Termination For Medical Reasons) pregnancy loss wrecked me.
I was right back to the D&C procedure, right back to the cramping, the sensations of losing my baby. It was like each cramp sent a message to me, "Hey, your baby died. Yup, your baby is definitely dead."
Dead dead dead. And I felt like death was coming out of me again.
The sensations triggered me, and the sight of the blood triggered me too. There it was again, each and every time I went to use the bathroom. "Yup, your baby is still dead," my blood reminded me.
As I was working with my watercolors this weekend (photo in the title of this post), this reddish purple piece brought me back to that first period.
The placenta-like shape that could also be uterus-shaped...the blue like flowing tears… there were just so many emotions that first period brought up. I see it in this piece.
I was thinking about how isolating that time was, during that symbolic bleeding, a "back to normal" cycle when I was ANYTHING BUT back to normal. So I want to share a few things I did to soothe myself during that period:
(Use what makes sense, this is *not medical advice,* always follow your medical care providers' advice first and foremost)
🚿 Took extra long showers during that first period
👩💻 Leaned in deeply to my online support groups (<--- here are some I recommend)
🙅Cut out all unnecessary outings
💊 Used appropriate amounts of pain meds (this was not the time to just "push through" and ignore cramping)
🛌🏽Held that heating pad close to my womb and cried in bed
⚛ Moved into divine feminine ways of processing, reflecting, meditating through a bit of watercoloring, some writing, sitting in the grass
🩲Used different underwear from what I used during my postpartum bleeding
🚫 Used no pads (a menstrual cup instead) to differentiate this bleed from after the loss
♻️ Offered my blood back to the Earth
This blood was a rite of passage.
A hard, hard passage that not everyone goes through. From death back to life, even if I was not ready yet to come out of my mourning cave.
Don't force yourself out of mourning, either, even though the body, the world, society keeps spinning, keeps cycling, keeps going "back to normal."
Take your time, even if all you can afford is 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there, saying NO to a social engagement.
You've been through hell, it's okay to soothe your pain.
What was your first period like after loss? Any tips for getting through that 1st period you'd like to add?
Mine is a story of luck and privilege. But you wouldn't be able to tell that just from looking at the ending. A baby dies. Have I ruined the story for you yet?
So perhaps it doesn't sound that lucky. It was my baby that died after all. And privilege? Is it a privilege to have your baby die? In my case, I and my family...and my baby... were all very lucky and very privileged.
I've been thinking about the idea of "lucky"—only to find that slinking right along with it I find Lucky's evil sister, "Unlucky." I keep kicking these ideas around, like that pile of clothes that always seems to appear at the foot of my closet. Lucky, unlucky, I still ask myself what what we were when we found out that Clara had hydrops and cystic hygroma.
I'm Sabrina Fletcher, The TFMR Doula.
Click on images below
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