After my TFMR I was "guilty" of thinking all these things:
💗Then I found TFMR groups and other loss parents. They saw me as a grieving mother. "Even though" it was a "decision"...they validated my grief. 💗I read different grief books and found a support program that worked for me and my needs. I learned it was ok for my grief to take as long as it needed, and what I really needed to learn was how to carry and comfort and honor my grief well. 💗I saw other couples struggling, and I struggled too in my relationship. Then some kind therapists reminded me that my process was MY process. And my husband's was HIS. And that we were allowed to do it *differently.* 💗I focused on my own healing and grief work, knowing that any future siblings of my deceased baby would not come to heal me. ➡️ But MAN, it's a lot of detangling and lots of layers. It helped dramatically to be in TFMR support groups. I run one now on Facebook if you'd like to apply to join. Click on this link and apply to join us there. And having a loss doula was so helpful too. Someone to be a sounding board, to see me through TTC again, and even my rainbow pregnancy. I have 2 spots open for private bereavement doula clients if this sounds like the kind of gentle emotional and spiritual companion you'd like alongside you in your process. You learn more or you can get on a call with me here if you are looking for this kind of support. 🌼What about YOU? Which of these misconceptions have you worked through or are you working through?🌼
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Which of these practices is your favorite? Our spirits can feel so crushed and trampled on after terminating a wanted pregnancy; I find it so helpful for me and for my loss doula clients to focus on gentle practices. After what is horrific, heartbreaking, and sometimes the furthest from gentle, you deserve soothing soul healing. Which do you prefer?
And just a reminder that I only have a couple spots open for 1-on-1 bereavement doula support.💫 In the free introductory session we can figure out what practices you need in your life and how to fit them in. You can send me a message if you want this kind of continual support after a termination for medical reasons, fetal and/or maternal. Sending you all so much love ❤ Check this page to learn more about starting your one-on-one Bereavement Care Package. And let us know in the comments, which of these gentle, soul-soothing practices are your favorites? What's your "grief score" after TFMR baby loss? Any score is right...there are no wrong answers. It's so important to talk about these shared experiences, because then we don't feel so alone in our grief. And it's especially helpful to find other TFMR loss parents to talk about this particular grief. You can join us on Facebook in the safe, application-only group, the TFMR Support Circle. A place where you can share your "grief score," judgement free. 💜 I also filter all comments on this blog through my own eyes, so you can comment below and let us know what your grief score is. Losing a baby to TFMR, under such traumatic, heartbreaking circumstances takes so much from you. Innocence, trust, happiness, joie de vivre...hopes, dashed 😥 And it is also an initiation. You have now been initiated into a group (a group you did not ask to join, but a group full of wonderful members nonetheless): It is the worst club with the best members. You are also passing through a rite of passage. What exactly is a rite of passage? In this case, your birth (birth is a rite of passage, and this IS a birth even though your baby has died, *no matter* the procedure type) has brought you to a new stage in your life. Even if you have other living children. Even if you have no living children and you are wondering what it means to be an "invisible" mother or father or parent. Even if you wonder if you are even a mother/father/parent? These questions and more are what we delve into in Ascend, our TFMR grief circle. This RITE of PASSAGE is what we mark, together, in community, as it should be 💞💞💞💞💞 It is so helpful and soothing to explore these themes with other bereaved parents. We are going through a death initiation we never asked for. When we consciously participate in our rites of passage, ceremonies, and *honor this transition,* the love for our babies can shine even brighter and we can learn how to work with our grief. Maybe you didn't get a funeral, maybe there was no public mourning (thanks Covid, thanks stigma around baby loss), maybe you weren't and aren't seen as the magical postpartum being you are. But you DESERVE that WARMTH and community. Becoming a bereaved parent is a death initiation with no ceremony...unless we make one for ourselves. And it's not scary, it's actually the most loving, kind thing you can do for yourself and to honor your sweet baby or babies. In Ascend, a group grief program, we do just this and more. Only 2 more days to apply: 💜 https://www.thetfmrdoula.com/ascend-apply Ascend is a 3-month grief circle/private program for TFMR parents that runs periodically. Check here to see the next start date or get on the waitlist for an upcoming round. Before finding the right support after my TFMR, I felt alone, isolated, like I was going crazy, I didn't know how to mourn well, I had no friends who got it.
I don't want you to feel that way. On top of all the trauma and heartbreak of having to "decide" to end your wanted pregnancy, you don't deserve anything but love and support. It's true what this graphic says: (words inspired by grief author Don Eisenhauser) Benefits of group grief support after TFMR pregnancy loss: 💜 Reminds you you are not alone 💜 Realize grief is normal and you are NOT going crazy 💜 Helps you learn what it means to mourn a loss 💜 Becomes a social outlet with people who 'get it' You can find all this and more in my upcoming grief circle, Ascend, a space for bereaved TFMR parents. Loss doula-run, sacred container for your grief and eternal love for your baby. Only 9 spots open to keep the group intimate and warm. More info here to join this support group program. We start on Wednesday, Jan. 27th, 2021. 💗Which of this list are you most craving right now??💗 A big one in my early grief was feeling not alone. That was a breath of fresh air. |