Let's talk about the comments section of articles (usually in mainstream media) that retell the heartbreaking stories of terminations for medical reasons, otherwise known as TFMR. My advice: don't "click to expand" or "click to see all" or read at all if you can avoid it. There's always some angry pro-birther-at-all-cost no-matter-the-suffering person in there.

Guard your grieving heart. Remember why YOU made the medical decision you did for YOU and YOUR baby. That decision, made with sooooo much love and respect for life is what matters.

If you do find yourself in the comments section of an article on TFMR (termination for medical reasons) and feel triggered, angry, scared, upset, outraged or all of the above due to an ignorant comment, reset yourself:

1. Close article/comments
2. Place phone down or walk away from device
3. Center yourself in your LOVING decision...through meditation, an affirmation, deep breaths, sharing the trigger with a TFMR friend, prayer, going for a walk, whatever you need to do
4. Continue until you feel reset, still acknowledging that that was a shitty ass comment

And keep taking care of your grief and love in safe, TFMR spaces. Come join my Facebook group, the TFMR Support Circle, if you need a caring space like this, free of trolls. Just click that link to apply. I screen everyone to keep us all safe.

The TFMR Support Circle is a place where we understand the triggers as a big part of this experience. A place where you can safely share your story.

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How do YOU take care of yourself after reading hurtful comments about TFMR?
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Keep taking care of yourself gently 💜

With love,
Sabrina
The TFMR Doula

P.S. And all comments on this blog are held for review by ME so no hateful remarks will ever appear in this comments section. Only grief support for bereaved families allowed. We are not available for hate and ignorance here.

What the world sees is just the tip of the iceberg. The world sees us going to get-togethers, smiling, back at work, maybe even pregnant again after loss, laughing at jokes, carrying on and talking about our hobbies. 

Well...I'm sure you know intimately what lays beneath the surface:
😭 Crying, so much crying
🕳 Feeling adrift, a loss of purpose
💔 Utterly heartbroken
🙅‍♀️ Body shame, even loathing your body
🤫 Feeling unsafe to share your complete story
🤬 Rage
♾ And.so.much.more

After losing your baby to a medical termination, whether for your health or the baby's health, or a combination, there are so many layers to work through.

Under the surface, that iceberg of feelings and emotions just goes on and on.

💜What's under the surface for you today?💜

P.S. I am taking applications for the next round of Ascend, a grief circle specifically for bereaved TFMR people. A place where you can explore the depths of those "hidden from polite society" emotions and layers. Applications due by March 22nd.​

Having all the little clothes does not prepare your soul to be a mother, father, parent...and it definitely doesn't prepare you for your baby to die.

It's a rite of passage that can remain unmarked, hushed up by society (perhaps even more silenced if it is a termination for medical reasons TFMR). A hello wrapped up in a good-bye, a passage into invisible motherhood.

Even if your family/culture/religion does practice some mourning rituals, it is healing to continue to create and honor those parent-child bonds. And to honor your own grief.

It's okay to create your own rituals. It can be even more healing to practice in community.

That's why I created Ascend: A TFMR Grief Circle.

My program Ascend goes deep into ritual, storytelling, all in a safe community space where you can be held and seen through this stage of life. We meet live (Zoom) about twice a month for 3 months of support.


The next circle starts at the end of this month. Applications are due by March 22nd, 2021.
You can learn more and apply here.


💫What rituals do you practice to honor your baby and your grief? Candle lighting, altar keeping, saying your baby's name, sharing their story? Let us know in the comments💫

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After my TFMR I was "guilty" of thinking all these things:

1. That I made the decision so it shouldn't hurt so much right? That I made the decision, so did I even have the right to grieve?
2. That I should be done with grief after a few weeks...a year...some time limit, right?
3. That my husband would grieve just like me, at the same pace and in the same way.
4. That having another baby would make it all better...

💗Then I found TFMR groups and other loss parents. They saw me as a grieving mother. "Even though" it was a "decision"...they validated my grief.

💗I read different grief books and found a support program that worked for me and my needs. I learned it was ok for my grief to take as long as it needed, and what I really needed to learn was how to carry and comfort and honor my grief well.

💗I saw other couples struggling, and I struggled too in my relationship. Then some kind therapists reminded me that my process was MY process. And my husband's was HIS. And that we were allowed to do it *differently.*

💗I focused on my own healing and grief work, knowing that any future siblings of my deceased baby would not come to heal me.

➡️ But MAN, it's a lot of detangling and lots of layers.

It helped dramatically to be in TFMR support groups. I run one now on Facebook if you'd like to apply to join. Click on this link and apply to join us there.

And having a loss doula was so helpful too. Someone to be a sounding board, to see me through TTC again, and even my rainbow pregnancy.

I have 2 spots open for private bereavement doula clients if this sounds like the kind of gentle emotional and spiritual companion you'd like alongside you in your process. You learn more or you can get on a call with me here if you are looking for this kind of support.

🌼What about YOU? Which of these misconceptions have you worked through or are you working through?🌼


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