 TFMR (baby loss from a termination for medical reasons, terminating a wanted pregnancy) grief is unlike any other, complex and unique. If you’ve ever felt like you were unraveling because no one understands why your loss is different, you are not alone. Some of the (many) reasons why TFMR feels so complex and unique: 1. Complexity of "Choice" You’ve heard people compare your loss to miscarriage, and it stings. You know your experience was...different. You had to travel, sign shamey paperwork, face an impossible decision. You didn’t just lose your baby; you had to 'choose' to let go. Even the use of the word "choice" around your loss makes your heart ache. Choice, a straightforward word for such a complex medical, spiritual and family-based experience; choice just doesn't 'fit'. When you made this choice, the "options" were anything but good. 2. Weight of Guilt The weight of TFMR is heavy, and comes with guilt, with thoughts like "Did I do the right thing?" And when others don’t acknowledge the deep and complex emotions/thoughts/worries that comes with TFMR, it can feel like a huge part of your story is being erased. You wonder if you had waited for a "natural" end, would your community have surrounded you with meals and love? You didn't want this. You wanted your baby, alive, in your arms. Instead, there is silence. That silence is deafening, and guilt can rush in to fill it. 3. The Political Shadow Your baby wasn’t hypothetical. They were real. Loved. Wanted. Yet your loss is debated as if it were just a theoretical scenario. People argue about TFMR without realizing these decisions happen to real parents. To YOU. It’s invalidating and painful to hear strangers dissect something so personal. 4. Grieving What Could Have Been TFMR grief is grief over a future stolen away. A future and alternative that almost could have been. You never got to meet your baby, to know their little quirks and expressions. Instead, you grieve the love, the dreams, the moments you imagined. The loss is as intense as it is nebulous. The love you carry is as strong as the grief, woven into every day, every thought, every breath, and you are not crazy if your mind often goes to "what could have been." 5. Loneliness of TFMR Grief You try to explain, but people either minimize your pain or change the subject entirely. Maybe a well-meaning friend even tells you, "At least you can try again," as if your baby was replaceable...as if you didn’t want this baby. The isolation of this grief is suffocating. You scroll past post after post of grief advice that don’t quite fit, feeling unseen in both pregnancy loss and abortion spaces. You hesitate before sharing your story, afraid of judgment or rejection. You stuff down screams, staying silent until it turns into exhaustion, headaches, or numbness. And the thing about loneliness is this: the opposite of loneliness isn’t just being surrounded by tons of people. If you’re constantly having to explain and defend yourself, that feels even lonelier than being alone! What you need is the right-fit support, the kind that doesn’t make you justify your grief or your love for your baby. That right-fit support: THAT is the true opposite of loneliness, being around the just-right, empathetic souls. People who have been through it too and get the complexity, no questions asked. That's exactly what we you get in Ascend, our TFMR Grief Circle program, and we are opening up again in March. Go here to learn more about the program and see if it could be the potential right-fit place for you. Your unique and complex grief deserves care and love. So so so much.
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