No offense, but those that haven’t gone through a TFMR just won’t ever fully get it.
This is one of the reasons why TFMR only spaces exist. Because we need a place for our grief after termination for medical reasons. Even within the baby loss community, there are ideas and beliefs that are hinted at, or judgement that is directly thrown at us. My advice—and I rarely give direct advice—is to get the heck out of there as fast as you can, if you find yourself in an unkind baby loss space.
Here’s a little story for you. Very freshly bereaved after my sweet daughter's death, I bought and started reading a very popular sort of “baby loss & grief guide” book. I bought this book because of the recommendations I had seen in TFMR groups and forums and because of the good reviews online.
I hungrily opened the book, read the intro (which spoke about picking and choosing the pieces of the book that would work best for you, and how some parts could be triggering, but just to skip them AKA there was a trigger warning for ALL the content in the book) and then jumped right to the chapter about “difficult choices.” It was the TFMR section of the book.
The chapter on TFMR started with ANOTHER trigger warning, and blah blah blah about if your beliefs didn’t “align” then you should just skip that chapter. Yup, TFMR apparently needed a second, "extra" trigger warning. INSIDE of a baby loss book.
I.wanted.to.hurl.the.book.at.the.wall (but it was an ebook, and decided against destroying my device). Because WHY? Why was there a trigger warning for someone who obviously never had to terminate a wanted pregnancy. Why? Why right THERE before the very chapter that my heart and soul was looooonging to read, why did the authors have to put a second trigger warning with religious overtones in it?
That trigger warning was not for me.
Even that chapter, which I thought was for me, now felt like it was not for me 😞
I bet neither of the authors had ever had to make the heartbreaking decision to terminate a very wanted and precious pregnancy.
Because of this, and for many many many other reasons, do TFMR families make their own spaces. I invite you to join mine, a bereavement doula (me) run Facebook group… you are welcome there. We understand the undertones and outright judgement, and are a safe place for your grief.
For bereaved TFMR parents only.
And if you want to go deeper than faceless (yet suuuuper helpful) social media posts, we also have quarterly grief circles, with a group of 5 or 6 of the same people, all together. Our next group is starting November 2023. Apply to join us in the Ascend TFMR Grief Circle here.
Your grief after termination for medical reasons, your heartbreaking medical decision that feels like no decision at all, MATTERS.