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I'm Sabrina Fletcher,
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Is what I went through a TFMR*?
*TFMR = Termination For Medical Reasons
Typically a TFMR (Termination For Medical Reasons, or a medically indicated abortion) starts with a dire or life limiting medical diagnosis during a wanted (either planned or surprise turned desired) pregnancy. The poor diagnosis can be for either your baby in utero or to your own health where continuing the pregnancy would be harmful or even lead to death.
Then you have to make a decision to interrupt the pregnancy, or continue, now knowing the risks.
If you choose to terminate, there are a few different procedures that fall under that category. You may only legally be allowed to access one or the other, depending on the clinic, hospital, health system or even monetary resources. Or an emergency health situation may mean that the doctors highly recommend one procedure or birth over another.
A D&C or a D&E may be how the baby is born (usually with the pregnant person under aneasthesia), or you may labor and deliver the baby through the birth canal. The baby's heart may be stopped with an injection before either D&E or delivery. Or in the case of a multiples pregnancy, it may be best for the health of all to reduce the pregnancy and stop one (or more) of the baby/ies's hearts. Their bodies will remain inside until the other babies are far enough along to be born.
If any of these situations sound like your experience, you may have had a TFMR.
And finally, it is important to consider whether YOU feel like you went through a TFMR. If you had to make a medical choice, while your baby's heart (or babies' hearts) was/were still beating, this would legally fall under a termination. Make sure to consider how YOU view what you went through.
Then you have to make a decision to interrupt the pregnancy, or continue, now knowing the risks.
If you choose to terminate, there are a few different procedures that fall under that category. You may only legally be allowed to access one or the other, depending on the clinic, hospital, health system or even monetary resources. Or an emergency health situation may mean that the doctors highly recommend one procedure or birth over another.
A D&C or a D&E may be how the baby is born (usually with the pregnant person under aneasthesia), or you may labor and deliver the baby through the birth canal. The baby's heart may be stopped with an injection before either D&E or delivery. Or in the case of a multiples pregnancy, it may be best for the health of all to reduce the pregnancy and stop one (or more) of the baby/ies's hearts. Their bodies will remain inside until the other babies are far enough along to be born.
If any of these situations sound like your experience, you may have had a TFMR.
And finally, it is important to consider whether YOU feel like you went through a TFMR. If you had to make a medical choice, while your baby's heart (or babies' hearts) was/were still beating, this would legally fall under a termination. Make sure to consider how YOU view what you went through.
Grief support after TFMR on the blog:
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If you do consider your pregnancy loss to be a TFMR, come and join our safe (and free) support group:
The TFMR Support Circle (Facebook Group) is a safe place to feel supported by other bereaved TFMR parents who have been through it too.
In this free Facebook group you will:
- Find the support and connection you need in a confidential space (closed group, all members go through a screening process)
- Have your questions answered about grief and all the emotions and layers that come with TFMR (ending a wanted pregnancy for medical reasons, for your health or your baby's)
- Connect with other TFMR parents who are dealing with and feeling the same thing so you can feel less alone
...and another TFMR support resource for you:
Nothing can take away the grief,
but here are a few ideas to soothe you in your pain:
(These are some self-care practices that I used after my TFMR and that I've seen work for other bereaved parents too)
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The TFMR Doula Decree
TFMR *is* pregnancy loss and anyone experiencing this loss deserves bereavement support
Learning to carry the grief of your baby dying, along with the joy and love you have for them, is an ongoing process
Everyone's grief journey is unique to them and each person is the expert on their own grief
I want to live in a world where there is adequate grief support for TFMR families, from diagnosis through decision through death of the baby and beyond
Bereaved TFMR parents BELONG in the wider pregnancy loss community AND deserve TFMR-safe spaces to process
Making a hard end-of-life decision for your baby is an act of deep love as a good parent
Grief work can be beautiful, healing, and sacred
If we all listened more and learned how to sit WITH someone in their grief and pain, this world would be a better place.
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