TFMR (baby loss from a termination for medical reasons, terminating a wanted pregnancy) grief is unlike any other, complex and unique. If you’ve ever felt like you were unraveling because no one understands why your loss is different, you are not alone.


Some of the (many) reasons why TFMR feels so complex and unique:

1. Complexity of "Choice"
You’ve heard people compare your loss to miscarriage, and it stings. You know your experience was...different.
 
You had to travel, sign shamey paperwork, face an impossible decision.

​You didn’t just lose your baby; you had to 'choose' to let go. Even the use of the word "choice" around your loss makes your heart ache. Choice, a straightforward word for such a complex medical, spiritual and family-based experience; choice just doesn't 'fit'.  When you made this choice, the "options" were anything but good.


2. Weight of Guilt
The weight of TFMR is heavy, and comes with guilt, with thoughts like "Did I do the right thing?"

And when others don’t acknowledge the deep and complex emotions/thoughts/worries that comes with TFMR, it can feel like a huge part of your story is being erased. 

You wonder if you had waited for a "natural" end, would your community have surrounded you with meals and love? 

You didn't want this. You wanted your baby, alive, in your arms. Instead, there is silence. That silence is deafening, and guilt can rush in to fill it.


3. The Political Shadow
Your baby wasn’t hypothetical. They were real. Loved. Wanted. Yet your loss is debated as if it were just a theoretical scenario.

People argue about TFMR without realizing these decisions happen to real parents. To YOU. It’s invalidating and painful to hear strangers dissect something so personal.


4. Grieving What Could Have Been
TFMR grief is grief over a future stolen away. A future and alternative that almost could have been.

You never got to meet your baby, to know their little quirks and expressions.

Instead, you grieve the love, the dreams, the moments you imagined. The loss is as intense as it is nebulous. The love you carry is as strong as the grief, woven into every day, every thought, every breath, and you are not crazy if your mind often goes to "what could have been."


5. Loneliness of TFMR Grief
You try to explain, but people either minimize your pain or change the subject entirely. Maybe a well-meaning friend even tells you, "At least you can try again," as if your baby was replaceable...as if you didn’t want this baby.

The isolation of this grief is suffocating. You scroll past post after post of grief advice that don’t quite fit, feeling unseen in both pregnancy loss and abortion spaces. You hesitate before sharing your story, afraid of judgment or rejection. You stuff down screams, staying silent until it turns into exhaustion, headaches, or numbness.


And the thing about loneliness is this: the opposite of loneliness isn’t just being surrounded by tons of people. If you’re constantly having to explain and defend yourself, that feels even lonelier than being alone!


What you need is the right-fit support, the kind that doesn’t make you justify your grief or your love for your baby.

What triggers your grief or trauma after TFMR (termination for medical reasons) pregnancy loss?

My most "random" trigger after TFMR is this one drinking glass in my home... I used it almost daily when TTC Clara, and while pregnant with her...
But you see, it's not "silly" or "weird"... it actually makes a lot of sense. Because after my TFMR, all of a sudden while drinking out of that glass my brain was screaming at me: "Ha! You thought drinking water would keep your baby and pregnancy healthy...nope, you FAILED." 😞

If you are feeling this way with mundane things and feelings and smells after your baby has died, it's normal. You're not crazy.

Some of the biggest triggers can be things like:

*Happy family pictures (why don't I get that?)
*Sex (this is the way we made that baby, it reminds me of the loss, we had to do IVF and even that led to TFMR...)
*Alcohol (oh, I can drink again, I'd rather NOT be able to and still be pregnant)
*Holidays (I never even cared about Easter before and now I just wish I could put bunny ears on my baby)
*Baby clothes (I wish I could buy that for my baby)
*Your house (I remember bleeding in this bathroom, this is where I wanted to put the crib, this is where we sat on the couch and watched the two lines appear)
*Coffee (I was so good about cutting it out during the pregnancy - now I can have it again? I wish I wasn't)
*Doctor's visits (I'm just here about my foot and they are asking about all my prior pregnancies)
*Pregnant bellies (Would I have looked like that by now?)
*Your clothes (I'm still wearing maternity clothes with no "maternity", what shit)
*Food (I wish I was still restricting the sushi and cold cuts)
*Ultrasounds (I stare and stare at other people's ultrasounds, looking for that one splotch in the heart)

And more... everything can be a trigger.

You can comment here and answer, "What seemingly random thing triggers you after TFMR?"

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One of the ways I worked with my triggers, slowly and gently over time, was through moving meditation. I've put a few of my favorite practices all together. Some of the practices in the tracks helped me understand my triggers, and some of the practices where to find a touch of calm when I felt too much. You can find this whole audio program here, I call it the Peace of Mind after TFMR: an audio mindfulness program  💫

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No offense, but those that haven’t gone through a TFMR just won’t ever fully get it.

This is one of the reasons why TFMR only spaces exist. Because we need a place for our grief after termination for medical reasons. Even within the baby loss community, there are ideas and beliefs that are hinted at, or judgement that is directly thrown at us. My advice—and I rarely give direct advice—is to get the heck out of there as fast as you can, if you find yourself in an unkind baby loss space.

Here’s a little story for you. Very freshly bereaved after my sweet daughter's death, I bought and started reading a very popular sort of “baby loss & grief guide” book. I bought this book because of the recommendations I had seen in TFMR groups and forums and because of the good reviews online.

I hungrily opened the book, read the intro (which spoke about picking and choosing the pieces of the book that would work best for you, and how some parts could be triggering, but just to skip them AKA there was a trigger warning for ALL the content in the book) and then jumped right to the chapter about “difficult choices.” It was the TFMR section of the book.

The chapter on TFMR started with ANOTHER trigger warning, and blah blah blah about if your beliefs didn’t “align” then you should just skip that chapter. Yup, TFMR apparently needed a second, "extra" trigger warning. INSIDE of a baby loss book.

I.wanted.to.hurl.the.book.at.the.wall (but it was an ebook, and decided against destroying my device). Because WHY? Why was there a trigger warning for someone who obviously never had to terminate a wanted pregnancy. Why? Why right THERE before the very chapter that my heart and soul was looooonging to read, why did the authors have to put a second trigger warning with religious overtones in it?

That trigger warning was not for me.

Even that chapter, which I thought was for me, now felt like it was not for me 😞

I bet neither of the authors had ever had to make the heartbreaking decision to terminate a very wanted and precious pregnancy.

Because of this, and for many many many other reasons, do TFMR families make their own spaces. I invite you to join mine, a bereavement doula (me) run Facebook group… you are welcome there. We understand the undertones and outright judgement, and are a safe place for your grief.

For bereaved TFMR parents only.

And if you want to go deeper than faceless (yet suuuuper helpful) social media posts, we also have quarterly grief circles, with a group of 5 or 6 of the same people, all together. Our group start every 4 months. Apply to join us in the Ascend TFMR Grief Circle here.

Your grief after termination for medical reasons, your heartbreaking medical decision that feels like no decision at all, MATTERS.

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It's not always comfortable or convenient, the moments when my daughter's grief pops up. But isn't that the damn truth about grief. It is NOT comfortable. It is NOT convenient.

For example, this is a picture of an origami boat my oldest daughter made in memory of the baby who died in pregnancy, in memory of her sister Clara.

Sometimes my daughter's grief comes out as spontaneous tears. So I sit with her. And sometimes she wants me to help her make Clara artwork, even though inside I'm falling apart and it's breaking my heart. But I am also proud of her. So very proud.

Together we sit. Side by side. Not taking each others' grief away.

I don't hide my grief from my daughter. I allow her to see me cry, see me mourn. In turn, she expresses her own grief, she doesn't bottle it up.

I'm able to show up for my daughter like this because I put in the grief work that I need to do for ME. My own journaling, artwork, being in my grief communities, doing my own therapy and getting my own energy work done.

It's so important that we have safe places to process our grief as adults. So we can show up for ourselves, for the kids in our lives, our partners, our communities.

If you're looking for a deep yet gentle space to process your grief after TFMR pregnancy loss, our grief circles are open for enrollment for just a few more days. Check out the details here and apply to join us.

So you can keep showing up in your life. You deserve a special place where you can write your baby's name too.

💜🦋💜

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