 Have you ever felt like a pregnancy loss space just wasn't quite right for you after TFMR? I want to let you know that you are NOT going crazy, and while that space may work for others, it's just not the best for you. It may feel elusive, hard to put your finger on why a baby loss or grief space just isn't the right fit. Your friends and family and even well meaning medical or mental health professionals might encourage you to "give it a shot" or question why you can't just make it fit, but if you know, you know.
Here are some reasons why you aren't finding TFMR support in regular pregnancy loss spaces: 1. TFMR support just doesn't exist there Stating the obvious, but it's true! In some grief spaces, there just is NOT the right support for having to end a desired pregnancy. It just doesn't exist. Lots of broad loss spaces still don't list out "TFMR" as one of the types of losses they support. They rarely or never talk about TFMR. They don't highlight TFMR stories. You end up being the one educating THEM about even the basics, like that this acronym and type of baby loss exist. 2. Strict and appropriate adminning to keep you safe doesn't always happen in broad loss spaces I've unfortunately heard horror stories about people being talked down to and judged in live baby loss support group meetings for their loving decision. Usually the judgment is coming from an uninformed fellow participant, but in these sad stories that other TFMR moms have told me, the facilitators don't even know what to do, don't step in and tell other person to stop, don't educate or help repair the harm. It seems that especially if the facilitators are unaware of TFMR, they might not "get" why certain words or phrases are harmful to us and just "let it slide."
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 TFMR (baby loss from a termination for medical reasons, terminating a wanted pregnancy) grief is unlike any other, complex and unique. If you’ve ever felt like you were unraveling because no one understands why your loss is different, you are not alone.
Some of the (many) reasons why TFMR feels so complex and unique: 1. Complexity of "Choice" You’ve heard people compare your loss to miscarriage, and it stings. You know your experience was...different. You had to travel, sign shamey paperwork, face an impossible decision. You didn’t just lose your baby; you had to 'choose' to let go. Even the use of the word "choice" around your loss makes your heart ache. Choice, a straightforward word for such a complex medical, spiritual and family-based experience; choice just doesn't 'fit'. When you made this choice, the "options" were anything but good. 2. Weight of Guilt The weight of TFMR is heavy, and comes with guilt, with thoughts like "Did I do the right thing?" And when others don’t acknowledge the deep and complex emotions/thoughts/worries that comes with TFMR, it can feel like a huge part of your story is being erased. You wonder if you had waited for a "natural" end, would your community have surrounded you with meals and love? You didn't want this. You wanted your baby, alive, in your arms. Instead, there is silence. That silence is deafening, and guilt can rush in to fill it.  What triggers your grief or trauma after TFMR (termination for medical reasons) pregnancy loss?
My most "random" trigger after TFMR is this one drinking glass in my home... I used it almost daily when TTC Clara, and while pregnant with her... But you see, it's not "silly" or "weird"... it actually makes a lot of sense. Because after my TFMR, all of a sudden while drinking out of that glass my brain was screaming at me: "Ha! You thought drinking water would keep your baby and pregnancy healthy...nope, you FAILED." 😞 If you are feeling this way with mundane things and feelings and smells after your baby has died, it's normal. You're not crazy. Some of the biggest triggers can be things like: *Happy family pictures (why don't I get that?) *Sex (this is the way we made that baby, it reminds me of the loss, we had to do IVF and even that led to TFMR...) *Alcohol (oh, I can drink again, I'd rather NOT be able to and still be pregnant) *Holidays (I never even cared about Easter before and now I just wish I could put bunny ears on my baby) *Baby clothes (I wish I could buy that for my baby) *Your house (I remember bleeding in this bathroom, this is where I wanted to put the crib, this is where we sat on the couch and watched the two lines appear) *Coffee (I was so good about cutting it out during the pregnancy - now I can have it again? I wish I wasn't) *Doctor's visits (I'm just here about my foot and they are asking about all my prior pregnancies) *Pregnant bellies (Would I have looked like that by now?) *Your clothes (I'm still wearing maternity clothes with no "maternity", what shit) *Food (I wish I was still restricting the sushi and cold cuts) *Ultrasounds (I stare and stare at other people's ultrasounds, looking for that one splotch in the heart) And more... everything can be a trigger. You can comment here and answer, "What seemingly random thing triggers you after TFMR?" 💫 One of the ways I worked with my triggers, slowly and gently over time, was through moving meditation. I've put a few of my favorite practices all together. Some of the practices in the tracks helped me understand my triggers, and some of the practices where to find a touch of calm when I felt too much. You can find this whole audio program here, I call it the Peace of Mind after TFMR: an audio mindfulness program 💫  No offense, but those that haven’t gone through a TFMR just won’t ever fully get it.
This is one of the reasons why TFMR only spaces exist. Because we need a place for our grief after termination for medical reasons. Even within the baby loss community, there are ideas and beliefs that are hinted at, or judgement that is directly thrown at us. My advice—and I rarely give direct advice—is to get the heck out of there as fast as you can, if you find yourself in an unkind baby loss space. Here’s a little story for you. Very freshly bereaved after my sweet daughter's death, I bought and started reading a very popular sort of “baby loss & grief guide” book. I bought this book because of the recommendations I had seen in TFMR groups and forums and because of the good reviews online. I hungrily opened the book, read the intro (which spoke about picking and choosing the pieces of the book that would work best for you, and how some parts could be triggering, but just to skip them AKA there was a trigger warning for ALL the content in the book) and then jumped right to the chapter about “difficult choices.” It was the TFMR section of the book. The chapter on TFMR started with ANOTHER trigger warning, and blah blah blah about if your beliefs didn’t “align” then you should just skip that chapter. Yup, TFMR apparently needed a second, "extra" trigger warning. INSIDE of a baby loss book. I.wanted.to.hurl.the.book.at.the.wall (but it was an ebook, and decided against destroying my device). Because WHY? Why was there a trigger warning for someone who obviously never had to terminate a wanted pregnancy. Why? Why right THERE before the very chapter that my heart and soul was looooonging to read, why did the authors have to put a second trigger warning with religious overtones in it? That trigger warning was not for me. Even that chapter, which I thought was for me, now felt like it was not for me 😞 I bet neither of the authors had ever had to make the heartbreaking decision to terminate a very wanted and precious pregnancy. Because of this, and for many many many other reasons, do TFMR families make their own spaces. I invite you to join mine, a bereavement doula (me) run Facebook group… you are welcome there. We understand the undertones and outright judgement, and are a safe place for your grief. For bereaved TFMR parents only. And if you want to go deeper than faceless (yet suuuuper helpful) social media posts, we also have quarterly grief circles, with a group of 5 or 6 of the same people, all together. Our group start every 4 months. Apply to join us in the Ascend TFMR Grief Circle here. Your grief after termination for medical reasons, your heartbreaking medical decision that feels like no decision at all, MATTERS.  My heart was beating out of my chest and my palms were sweating as I mentally prepared myself to tell my whole termination pregnancy loss story to a friend.
Even though I knew her, you never know how people will react to abortion, or to grief even. But when I told her and she said, "me too"... my jaw almost hit the ground. It happens when we find each other online too: "Me too," we whisper to each other... "Me too," people message me... "Me too," we say collectively, breathing a sigh of relief that we can finally talk about our grief and love for our babies with SOMEONE. And what a relief it is to be able tell our stories and be seen. Would you like to feel the gentle support of a community that GETS you? Of being able to say "me too"? You can experience this in my upcoming grief circle just for us, bereaved TFMR parents. We start early November 2023. |