 What triggers your grief or trauma after TFMR (termination for medical reasons) pregnancy loss?
My most "random" trigger after TFMR is this one drinking glass in my home... I used it almost daily when TTC Clara, and while pregnant with her... But you see, it's not "silly" or "weird"... it actually makes a lot of sense. Because after my TFMR, all of a sudden while drinking out of that glass my brain was screaming at me: "Ha! You thought drinking water would keep your baby and pregnancy healthy...nope, you FAILED." 😞 If you are feeling this way with mundane things and feelings and smells after your baby has died, it's normal. You're not crazy. Some of the biggest triggers can be things like: *Happy family pictures (why don't I get that?) *Sex (this is the way we made that baby, it reminds me of the loss, we had to do IVF and even that led to TFMR...) *Alcohol (oh, I can drink again, I'd rather NOT be able to and still be pregnant) *Holidays (I never even cared about Easter before and now I just wish I could put bunny ears on my baby) *Baby clothes (I wish I could buy that for my baby) *Your house (I remember bleeding in this bathroom, this is where I wanted to put the crib, this is where we sat on the couch and watched the two lines appear) *Coffee (I was so good about cutting it out during the pregnancy - now I can have it again? I wish I wasn't) *Doctor's visits (I'm just here about my foot and they are asking about all my prior pregnancies) *Pregnant bellies (Would I have looked like that by now?) *Your clothes (I'm still wearing maternity clothes with no "maternity", what shit) *Food (I wish I was still restricting the sushi and cold cuts) *Ultrasounds (I stare and stare at other people's ultrasounds, looking for that one splotch in the heart) And more... everything can be a trigger. You can comment here and answer, "What seemingly random thing triggers you after TFMR?" 💫 One of the ways I worked with my triggers, slowly and gently over time, was through moving meditation. I've put a few of my favorite practices all together. Some of the practices in the tracks helped me understand my triggers, and some of the practices where to find a touch of calm when I felt too much. You can find this whole audio program here, I call it the Peace of Mind after TFMR: an audio mindfulness program 💫
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 No offense, but those that haven’t gone through a TFMR just won’t ever fully get it.
This is one of the reasons why TFMR only spaces exist. Because we need a place for our grief after termination for medical reasons. Even within the baby loss community, there are ideas and beliefs that are hinted at, or judgement that is directly thrown at us. My advice—and I rarely give direct advice—is to get the heck out of there as fast as you can, if you find yourself in an unkind baby loss space. Here’s a little story for you. Very freshly bereaved after my sweet daughter's death, I bought and started reading a very popular sort of “baby loss & grief guide” book. I bought this book because of the recommendations I had seen in TFMR groups and forums and because of the good reviews online. I hungrily opened the book, read the intro (which spoke about picking and choosing the pieces of the book that would work best for you, and how some parts could be triggering, but just to skip them AKA there was a trigger warning for ALL the content in the book) and then jumped right to the chapter about “difficult choices.” It was the TFMR section of the book. The chapter on TFMR started with ANOTHER trigger warning, and blah blah blah about if your beliefs didn’t “align” then you should just skip that chapter. Yup, TFMR apparently needed a second, "extra" trigger warning. INSIDE of a baby loss book. I.wanted.to.hurl.the.book.at.the.wall (but it was an ebook, and decided against destroying my device). Because WHY? Why was there a trigger warning for someone who obviously never had to terminate a wanted pregnancy. Why? Why right THERE before the very chapter that my heart and soul was looooonging to read, why did the authors have to put a second trigger warning with religious overtones in it? That trigger warning was not for me. Even that chapter, which I thought was for me, now felt like it was not for me 😞 I bet neither of the authors had ever had to make the heartbreaking decision to terminate a very wanted and precious pregnancy. Because of this, and for many many many other reasons, do TFMR families make their own spaces. I invite you to join mine, a bereavement doula (me) run Facebook group… you are welcome there. We understand the undertones and outright judgement, and are a safe place for your grief. For bereaved TFMR parents only. And if you want to go deeper than faceless (yet suuuuper helpful) social media posts, we also have quarterly grief circles, with a group of 5 or 6 of the same people, all together. Our group start every 4 months. Apply to join us in the Ascend TFMR Grief Circle here. Your grief after termination for medical reasons, your heartbreaking medical decision that feels like no decision at all, MATTERS.  My heart was beating out of my chest and my palms were sweating as I mentally prepared myself to tell my whole termination pregnancy loss story to a friend.
Even though I knew her, you never know how people will react to abortion, or to grief even. But when I told her and she said, "me too"... my jaw almost hit the ground. It happens when we find each other online too: "Me too," we whisper to each other... "Me too," people message me... "Me too," we say collectively, breathing a sigh of relief that we can finally talk about our grief and love for our babies with SOMEONE. And what a relief it is to be able tell our stories and be seen. Would you like to feel the gentle support of a community that GETS you? Of being able to say "me too"? You can experience this in my upcoming grief circle just for us, bereaved TFMR parents. We start early November 2023.  It's not always comfortable or convenient, the moments when my daughter's grief pops up. But isn't that the damn truth about grief. It is NOT comfortable. It is NOT convenient.
For example, this is a picture of an origami boat my oldest daughter made in memory of the baby who died in pregnancy, in memory of her sister Clara. Sometimes my daughter's grief comes out as spontaneous tears. So I sit with her. And sometimes she wants me to help her make Clara artwork, even though inside I'm falling apart and it's breaking my heart. But I am also proud of her. So very proud. Together we sit. Side by side. Not taking each others' grief away. I don't hide my grief from my daughter. I allow her to see me cry, see me mourn. In turn, she expresses her own grief, she doesn't bottle it up. I'm able to show up for my daughter like this because I put in the grief work that I need to do for ME. My own journaling, artwork, being in my grief communities, doing my own therapy and getting my own energy work done. It's so important that we have safe places to process our grief as adults. So we can show up for ourselves, for the kids in our lives, our partners, our communities. If you're looking for a deep yet gentle space to process your grief after TFMR pregnancy loss, our grief circles are open for enrollment for just a few more days. Check out the details here and apply to join us. So you can keep showing up in your life. You deserve a special place where you can write your baby's name too. 💜🦋💜  Along with about 6,000 other emotions, you may feel some of these 6 big ones after TFMR pregnancy loss.
Anger, yup I had that. Guilt, I had that one too. Relief, not as much, but it's common after TFMR. Devastation, OH YEAH. Confusion for sure. I had to sticky note everything for many many months. And Yearning...almost 3 years out from terminating my wanted pregnancy, I still have this emotion all the time. 💔 💜What is one of your biggest overarching emotions right now?💜 ⬇️ You can comment just using an emoji if you want, because I KNOW that grieving is exhausting. I should have added that too, Exhausted. |